As I sit here on the eve of my 31st birthday I suppose it is worth taking a moment to reflect. To say that the last year has been rough might be an understatement. It certainly wasn’t what I would have planned for myself. This is never where I pictured myself to be at this point in my life.
I’m not fabulous or amazing. Life’s not rainbows and unicorns, but I’m ok. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to say that to be honest, and I feel like I’ve come a very long way from where I was on this day last year. There are still a lot of days where it is hard to say I’m ok, but I am. I don’t have to be fabulous and amazing every day. Most days I am just ok. And that, my friends, is ok too.
It is hard to conceptualize my emotions right now to put them into words. Just ok is really the synthesis of it. It feels like going through the motions a lot. But that’s what you do to keep going. And keep going is what you do to be better than ok. And one day I will be better than ok.
I’ve had several recognizable achievements personally this year. I don’t want to discount those. But those aren’t what weigh on me. Those don’t require reflection. Forgive me for not ticking them off in a self congratulatory manner.
At the end of 2012 I jokingly said my year sounded like a bad country song: I got divorced, I had to sell my house, I gave up drinking, I lost my best friend, and my dog got sick. I just knew 2013 had to be better. The great news is none of those same sad events have reoccured (yet anyway!). But the bad news is, as a whole, I’d rate this year lower overall. I operate well in crisis because there are steps to handle, things that can be put on lists and checked off. With no crises this year, I was just left with the emotional backlash of last year to sort through.
But I’m ok.
It’s been a long year. It’s not been one of my better ones, that’s for sure. However, a new year starts tomorrow. While I’m still not interested in celebrating my birthday, I know that it’s still my birthday. And I know that I’m still ok. Maybe by my next birthday I’ll be ready to celebrate again by saying I’m good.